THE DESEXUALIZATION OF THE AMERICAN MARRIAGE/A SEXUAL-SYSTEM EXAM: WHAT IS SEX “FOR”?
I can’t remember what I wanted to be when I grew up. IVe been too busy helping everyone else in this house grow up to pay any attention to that anymore.
HUSBAND
I notice that my husband is never in my dreams.
WIFE
Is there still a reason for the two of you to be married, a reason that applies and has meaning for now and for the future (purposeful)? Or, are you two people with no common dreams or purpose, just going along perhaps with separate and unshared dreams (aimless)?
One of the first questions I ask the couple is “Why are you married?” followed by ‘ ‘Tell me your shared marital dreams.” Our society talks of individual liberty and the pursuit of happiness, and less of unity of purpose and dreams. This sample couple scored high toward the aimless axis. The wife reported, “I have always wanted to finish college. He thinks that’s silly. He says I wouldn’t make enough to make it matter. It matters to me, though.”
The husband responded, “I have a clear dream. Living on a lake up north, fishing all day, even at night. I could even use my snowmobile during the winter.”
Two dreams, unshared, and without the appearance of the spouse in either dream. Why are you and your spouse together now? Why do you have sex and intimacy anyway?
Sexually, the couple responded to my question about their”dream sex life” in quite different fashion. The husband reported, “That’s easy. Sex every day, every night, on the floor, in the car, out in the yard, sucking me anyplace and anytime.”
The wife responded, “I kind of see me walking with him on a beautiful beach, say, in Maui. The moon is behind us, the ocean in front of us, the warmth embracing us. We both feel warm, move together, kiss, and move slowly to the sand. No one is near, we are perfectly safe and alone together.”
“That’s no sex fantasy.” The husband laughed. “Don’t you think about garter belts, black panties, some real adventure?”
Sexual interaction has become goal-directed rather than dream-inspired, and the sexual system of your marriage draws its fuel from shared dreams. While too much purpose can force and drive a marriage, stressing it toward future accomplishments, too little common purpose destroys the reason for togetherness. If there is no place to go, we end up searching and lost. If we only look to the destination, our own unshared destination, we will never enjoy the journey.
*39\97\8*
